Inspired by the question what “facebook friendship” (fbf) is about I decided to write this article. First and foremost fbf is not a friendship at all it is rather a virtual tribe whose rules may be even promote the destruction of an existing friendship. Consequentially, this article is rather on what fbf is not compared to a real friendship. Still there are some points where fbf can help you to spot some personal shortcomings and it even can help you to spot a psychopath.
So what is real friendship? A dictionary definition says: friendship is a relationship between friends. 😲 Well this is so true, and it is all-encompassing, but it is mere tautology. Next, you can define friendship as a relationship between humans that is considered a friendship by its members. This sounds like a genus–differentia definition, but it is not. It is just tautology as well. Though I would like to point at an instance where even this definition may lead into the wrong direction.
In the famous musical Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye asks his wife Golde if she actually loves him. After listing all the accomplishments of their relationship both arrive at the conclusion that they love each other. In my opinion what they describe as a 25-years-relationship is just a strong friendship. And I would think that most people, including this couple in real life, would interpret it the same way. In this musical however, it is just using artistic freedom to enhance emphasis to better convey the idea behind the plot.
Let’s have another try of a definition. Friendship is a relationship that involves cooperation and communication. At this point one may counter a master-and-slave relationship also consists of cooperation and communication, which is not a friendship at all. So in a friendship mutual respect is an essential ingredient.
Another important aspect of a friendship is the mutual interest to maintain or even develop it. The development of cooperation includes the joint exploration of new common areas of interest. The development of communication includes extending the content and opening new channels of communication.
There are so many areas where cooperation can develop. In a family, such as in Tevye’s and Golde’s case, it was just domestic chores. But it can reach much farther and may include professional tasks or political commitment to name only a few. The fields of cooperation may change with time. This to a lesser degree is true with domestic chores but it quite frequently happens in the areas of work and politics. So such friendships are in danger whenever circumstances of cooperation change. This is the case with domestic cooperation for instance when moving the household or extending or shrinking the family with children being born or leaving. Of professional cooperation based friendships, a promotion is the main killer. The political cooperation is mainly influenced by social factors, so if the social environment changes so do the associated friendships.
The areas of communication show even a broader spectrum. The channels of communication do not just include the spoken or written language but the whole spectrum of averbal signs and signals which is even more important among friends that see each other personally and it mostly goes subconsciously. The content of communication also is variable in multiple dimensions. The spectrum widens if friends together explore new interest but it may also become narrower. A couple whose only communication consist in watching TV together with a basket of popcorn is the pathognomonic example of a dying friendship in a marriage.
And here we come to the answer why fbf is not just taunting real friendships but also potentially destroying it.
First foremost fbf has only a quite limited number of communication channels. These include a limited set of available reactions to posts and short text messages. (Recently I explored video conferencing but this is also rather clumsy.) The most part of averbal communication gets lost. This in particular holds true if you try to express discontent. Even the slightest attempts to express it can become misunderstood as a rude gesture. With averbal communication the hints of discontent can be quite more subtle. Next, it is quite a challenge to express complex ideas, such as this essay, in quite a few words. It is possible though, but much too often misunderstood as understanding of such compressed remarks requires an abundant common ground of shared knowledge. And this, of course, is hard to develop if communication is limited to these few channels.
Second, as every feedback is limited to these few channels of communication, empathy is unlearned. Salutations, for instance, are quite uncommon with fbf. It is considered indecent, for instance, to leave amidst a real conversation without uttering some parting words. In fbf this seems to be the rule. Also blocking friends or removing their comments and reactions without offering any explanation are typical symptoms of missing or unlearned empathy.
Mutual empathy is the major part of a friendship. It is the part that connects mutual respect to the emotional communication channel. As such empathy assures development and adaptation of an existing friendship to the ever changing circumstances of a living. Or to say it the other way around fbf not only prevents the development of a real friendship but also is prone to convert a real friendship into a master-slave-relationship.
desynchronizing 